MUSINGS

Four Stages Of Santa

1)  You believe in Santa.
2)  You don’t believe in Santa.
3)  You are Santa.
4)  You look like Santa.

What did the cross-eyed school teacher say to his disruptive children?
“I can’t control my pupils”

Yes Father

Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met: “Do you want to go to heaven?”
The man replied: “I do Father”.
The priest said: “Then stand over there against the wall”.
Then the priest asked a second man: “Do you want to go to heaven?”
“Certainly, Father”, was the man’s reply.
The priest said: “Then stand over there against the wall”.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said: “Do you want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole said: “No, I don’t Father”.
The priest said: “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole said: “Oh, when I die? Oh the answer is yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now”.

Athiest Holiday

An atheist was complaining to a Christian friend. “You Christians have your special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter. Jews celebrate their national holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur. But we atheists have no recognised national holidays. It’s unfair discrimination”.  
 His friend replied: “Well if you’re that bothered why don’t you celebrate April first?”

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I text her:
“Did you get my drift?”

Plain Talkin’

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him: “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time”. The Irishman replies: “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we all drank together”.

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says: “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss”.

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. “Oh, no”, he says, “everyone is fine. I’ve just quit drinking”.

Hold Up!

It’s a busy Friday before Christmas. Sr. Assumpta, and Sr. Immaculata dressed in their newest regalia complete with Rosary beads join the long queue in front of the cashier counters. The nuns are in a hurry to get some money for the Orphan’s Christmas party.

Suddenly the bank doors burst open. Two armed gun-men enter. One gunman jumps up onto the bank counter brandishing a shotgun. “Nobody move, and nobody gets hurt”, he says. The other locks the front doors and walks up and down the line pointing at the customers with a revolver.

“You’ve heard the man”, he says. “Nobody is getting out, this is a hold-up”. Everyone looks at each other – terrified. Sr. Assumpta, standing behind Sr. Immaculata begins to tug her tunic. “Pest”, she says to her friend, “we have to do something, otherwise people will get shot”.

“What do you want me to do?” queries Sr. Immaculata. “Well”, said Sr. Assumpta, taking the new Rosary beads out of her pocket, “you being the bravest, why don’t you go up to the guy on the counter with the gun, and show him your Cross”.

Sr. Immaculata turns around, she reaches into her pocket and feels the Rosary beads going through her fingers. She whispers to her friend. “That’s a great idea. I’ll do it. It will have to work”. And giving Sr. Assumpta a wink, she leaves the line and heads over to the gunman sitting on the counter.

“Excuse me”, she says, looking up into the cold eyes of the gunman. “Yes?” he snears. Sr. Immaculata takes a deep deep breath. “I have to say, that I am very cross about all this carry on…”