'Cos you're Toxic?
Abusive and manipulative. Not nice words. But part of the overall strategy of the toxic person, which leads to toxic situations, draining you on a spiritual, emotional and intellectual level.
But it doesn’t just refer to people. The Net, TV, books, gossip – all of these have the potential to be toxic in our lives if we let them.
Toxic Person
The toxic person drains you of energy, time and other resources, by their constant need for help, advice, sympathy, information, confidence-boosting, rescuing, emotional or financial support or their clingy dependency.
They also bully you, manipulate you, pressurise you, or encourage you to have feelings of guilt, inadequacy or inferiority.
They also make poisonous remarks that leave you feeling guilty, wounded or traumatised. They lie to you, deceive you, or steal from you.
They can also damage the things you value, possessions, relationships, your ethical or spiritual values.
Is this you? You have a group of good friends. You meet up with one or two outside school and you bitch about the other friends. You dissect these friends into various categories. They are stupid. They are not cool. They wear rubbish clothes. They have no money.
Or is this you? You have a group of good friends. You have a fab boyfriend, but constantly criticise him in front of your friends. You know he’s great really, but you have to point out his faults, don’t you? And your friends, well what are friends for only to listen to you bitch on and on.
Or, finally, is this you? You have a group of friends. You are studying the same subjects, but as regards living in the “real world” no one knows what it’s like but you. So when you meet up with the friends – you just have to point out a few mistakes they are making. No harm pointing out they are stupid, you know you have all the right answers.
Case Study 1:
Anna was studying hard for her Leaving Cert. Her friend Susan was always calling around to the house, talking about her problems with her boyfriend, and gossiping about their other friend Amy.
Anna listened and listened and listened. She tried to point out to Susan that her boyfriend and herself needed to sit down and talk. Anna also pointed out their friend Amy was going through a rough time, her mother was ill and she needed support.
But Susan kept on whining, constantly craving more and more of Anna’s attention. She wasn’t too shy at coming forward and would tell Anna, by the way, that her clothes were a bit on the scruffy side.
Suddenly the time for studying was taken up with other things. Namely, listening to Susan. Anna was too nice to tell her friend she needed some personal space. The result – Anna did no studying and failed to get the points she needed.
Everyone was surprised – not least Susan who could not understand how Anna had done so badly. She was always at the books when she called to the house.
Here’s the toxic friend. Someone who combines one or all of the following!
The Blamer
Susan is a person who consistently blames Anna and/or everyone else for her problems. The world and the people in it always seem to create havoc for her, and instead of taking responsibility for her life, she’d rather blame others.
The Complainer
Susan likes to hear her own voice. She constantly complains about what isn’t working in her life and yet gets energy from complaining and dumping her frustrations on Anna.
The Drainer
Susan is the needy person who calls to ask for your guidance, support, information, advice, or whatever she needs to feel better in the moment.
Because of her neediness, the conversation often revolves around her. Anna can almost feel the life being sucked out of her during the conversation.
The Shamer
Susan is a person that can be hazardous to Anna’s health. The shamer cuts people off, puts people down, reprimands and can make fun of people or their ideas in front of others.
Susan has often ignored Anna’s boundaries and tries to convince Anna that this criticism is for her own good. The shamer is the kind of person who makes you question your own sanity before theirs.
The Discounter
Susan is the person who discounts or challenges everything Anna says. Often, she has a strong need to be right and can find fault with any position.
It can be exhausting to have a conversation with the discounter, so eventually Anna ends up giving in and deciding to just listen.
The Gossip
Susan avoids intimacy by talking about others behind their backs. The gossipy Susan, gets energy from relaying stories, opinions, and the latest “scoop.”
By gossiping about others, Susan creates a lack of safety in her relationships, whether she realises it or not. After all, if she’ll talk about someone else, she’ll talk about Anna.
Is This You?
Every day you put up with the same old friends, listen as they constantly ask you for approval, and then go away and criticise you behind your back?
Is it time for a change? Are your friends toxic? Are they dragging you down? Are you being drained, mentally, physically and spiritually?
How do you save your friendships? What about making new friends? You can be surprised at the life-long friendships that are carved from the most unusual cloth!
Likewise, do your family understand you? Do you feel unheard?
“To thine own self be true”, Shakespeare.
Does This Sound Familiar?
“If you don’t come down to the house tonight, I will be on my own and get lonely”.
“That is nice on you, but you really would be better waiting a while until you get down a size”.
“I didn’t know you had that major operation yesterday! When did you tell me about it?”
“Do I look hot? I think so, what does Anna think?”
“Could I just move past you there, to get to the front – I can’t see from where I am sitting”.
“Oh yes, that happened to me, except my sister had an even bigger problem”.
“Well it’s all agreed, we are going to Anna’s – I’m sure she won’t mind”. (Anna is present).
“Did you hear what Anna’s boyfriend said about her? He said she went out with his best friend, and that she never uses deodorant!”
“Hey Forrest, run Forrest, stupid is as stupid does!”
“Pity you have to wear those crap glasses”.
“You got a new Saturday job? Oh, it’s only in the discount shop – everything cheap there”.
“There’s no point you giving up the drink, or the fags, you know you can’t do it”.
Feel The Quality!
No one is a saint all the time. Least of all us mere mortals. So why do we get stuck in toxic situations, bad relationships, false friendships and draining co-dependency?
Is it really all that serious? Surely friendship is always a bit of give and take. And of course a bit of gossip spices things up?
Maybe we need to take a clear look at what it means to be a friend, and to forge a friendship path that will benefit both ourselves and the other person.
You can salvage a toxic relationship with a simple starting point – focus on yourself. Ask yourself: am I being true to myself when I am with this person? If the answer is no, then you need to take a long, hard, look at those friendships and at your expectations.
CONFRONT IT!
Are you afraid of confronting someone in your life who is critical, judgmental or just can’t be happy for your success? It’s a sign you are not being true to yourself.
Once you have identified that you have a toxic relationship in your life, there are specific words that you can use to confront this family member or friend in a graceful, loving way. Your goal is not necessary to sever all relationships. If you feel the relationship can be healed.
To determine if a relationship drains you or fuels you, ask yourself the following questions:
Am I able to be myself with this person? Do I feel accepted by them?
Are they critical or judgmental of me?
Does the relationship provide an even give-and-take exchange of energy?
Do I feel upbeat and energised when I’m around this person, or depleted and drained?
Does this person share my values? My level of integrity?
Is this person committed to our relationship?
Can this person celebrate my success?
Do I feel good about myself when I’m with this person?
Case Study 2
John recently realised Barry was an energy drain in his life. John got a new job, but Barry and a few of the lads are not happy now that he’s started to turn his life around.
John got an e-mail. It was addressed to one of Barry’s other friends from Barry, about John.
It said: “He thinks he’s so great. I am going to do something if he doesn’t stop going on about the new job. He needs to shut up and move on”.
If you cannot be with someone else’s success, you cannot be with your own. This is very important. As people improve the quality of their lives, it is going to ruffle feathers and it will absolutely, in some cases, force some relationships to change and some relationships to end. That’s why support is so important.
Oprah says, “You surround yourself with people who have an expectation of themselves and also an expectation of you. And when you exceed other people’s expectations of you, they consider it a direct reflection against them and can hold it against you.”
MOVE OUTSIDE THE BOX!
One
“I’m trying to do something about our friendship. So I need to tell you the truth, when you complain about your boyfriend every week, it leaves me feeling drained of energy. If you’re willing to do something about the situation, I’ll support you 100%, but I can no longer listen to your complaints. Are you willing?”
Two
“I’m trying to do something about our friendship. I need to tell you the truth, when you put me down I feel angry and hurt. I need to ask you to stop. Are you willing?”
Three
“I’m trying to be your friend. I need to tell you the truth, when you criticize me I feel drained and upset. I’d like to ask you to stop doing that so we can move closer instead of further apart. Are you willing?”
Feel The Fear
Many times, the toxic nature of a relationship can result in fear. Fear of speaking your mind, of rejection, of letting go, of moving on, of a fresh new start.
St. Paul to the Corinthians,
Chapter 13 (1-8)
“If I speak in human and angelic tongues but do not have love, I am a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal. And if I have the gift of prophecy and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge; if I have all faith so as to move mountains but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away everything I own, and if I hand my body over so that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, love is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails”.
The First Letter of John Chapter 2 (15)
“Do not love the world or the things of the world…Yet the world and its enticement are passing away. But whoever does the will of God remains forever”.
“God is love, and whoever remains in love remains in God, and God in him”.
Take The Toxic Test:
Are you addicted to the Net? Can’t help surfing? Take he toxic test. Answer yes or no to the questions.
1. Your family are going out for a meal. Would you rather stay home and surf?
2. You spend more time talking to your internet friends than your school friends?
3. You have no friends, only those you chat to on line?
4. You have been tempted, or have responded to chat rooms?
5. You get all your advice from the Net?
6. Your parents are stupid and don’t live in the real world of “reality”?
7. You spend most of your money on upgrading the computer, or on subscribing to things online?
8. First thing you do in the morning is check for e-mail?
9. First thing you do after school is check for e-mail?
10.You would rather lock yourself in your room on your computer than go out?
If you have answered “yes” to all or any of these, you need to think carefully about the power the Net has in your life. Weigh up the amount of time you spend on the net. Don’t give yourself excuses like –‘it’s for homework’, ‘I need to reply to that’. The Net is a tool that you should use extremely carefully. Just because you are sitting in your room, surfing on the Net, it does not mean you are safe. Remember any information you give out about yourself is always logged by a second party, and your identity is always out there.
DETOX!
Feel a bit bloated with all the toxic things you say, or the toxic things you allow people to tell you? What about the constant interruptions from the TV and the Net? Are they stifling your life? Try the DETOX group test in class, and see how you feel afterwards.
The class sit around in a comfortable space, some lighted candles and soft music playing in the background. Each student is given a piece of paper and writes their own name on it. Everyone folds the pieces and puts them into a box. Someone reads the following:
Celebrate You
You are unique.
You are special.
In the whole world there is only one you.
One person with your own gifts.
Your own talents and abilities.
You may have had hurts in the past.
Let them go, they belong in the past,
You belong to the future,
The future is unfolding now.
The students, in file, each pick out a piece of paper from the box, return to their seat and look at the name. They have to think of three compliments they would pay that person. One by one everyone reveals what they feel about their chosen ‘friend’.
Toxic by Britney Spears
“With a taste of a poison paradise
I’m addicted to you
But you know that you’re toxic
And I love what you do
But you know that you’re toxic
It’s getting late to give you up
I took a sip from my devil’s cup
So lonely It’s taking over me”.
New Life Acceptance Programme
1. Happiness is a habit I will develop.
2. Problems bother me only to the degree I permit them to.
3. I am what I think.
4. Life can be ordinary or it can be great.
5. Love can change the course of my world.
6. The fundamental object of life is emotional and spiritual growth.
7. The past is gone forever.
8. All love given, returns.
9. Enthusiasm is my daily exercise.
10. I am a competent person and have much to give to life.
11. I am responsible for myself and for my actions.
12. Negative thoughts destroy only myself.
Dare To Discuss: Am I addicted to a toxic situation?
Dare To Discuss: A genuine friend is one who...
Back to Articles : Top
|
